Turn the Other Cheek

 

My beautiful friend and colleague created her own healing modality. Yes, just like that. That’s the sort of folk I hang with. And she’s written book. Sally Heidtke (sallyheidtke.com). Her modality is “Attracting Joy” and her book is “Be Infinite”. It’s annoyingly beautifully written. I say annoyingly because there are a hundred million self help books and Sally’s written yet another one, and as I read it I was blown away with how accessible it was, but more than that, as I am a bit of an intellectual snob, it was really well written. And enjoyable. That’s what I mean by annoyingly. To be so good at everything.

I have been lucky enough to have Sally work on me as she researched both her methodology and her book and she identified my Spiritual Milestone as “sorrow”. On the surface it doesn’t seem plausible, I don’t think I have experienced any great sorrow in my life. Plenty of heartache like everyone else, disappointments and challenges, but nothing I would call sorrow. Nothing more than usual. Nothing prolonged. Why sorrow I wonder?

As I reflect on my life I realise that there is a lot of sorrow. Sorrow in little doses. Constant trickling of sorrow. Sorrow as a result of being sensitive. Every injury I witness to animals. Watching any animal in confusion, despair, any animal kept chained up, every bird in a cage in Greece. A dog tied up to tree. A donkey without water. A soft toy thrown out of a babies pram. Everywhere I look, animals hurt, tortured, hunted. Ignored. Abandoned. I learned to stop reading about things. I even hate that people forward me “happy” animal stories on Facebook. JUST. DON’T.

I stopped listening to news 25 years ago. I don’t read the stuff from animal shelters and I threaten to remove my support if they ever send me anything again. Interesting that these days there is an option for this, apparently people do understand. Even watching animals together, when one animal pushes past another – I know now this means nothing to an animal but in my anthropomorphism that’s a rejection – a little stab of pain. This is THE lesson that all animals are working on with me – reminding that these little infractions are all reminders of my own hurt, nothing to do with them. The pain I feel around animals is often due to perceived helplessness and vulnerability, but animals are teaching me they AREN’T helpless and vulnerable, that pain is a reflection of my own (perceived) helplessness and vulnerability.

But it’s not only animals, just mostly. Every slight or hurt I see manifests as sorrow, that I hold in my heart, clutching at my throat, threatening to spill out at every moment. Sorrow. What is sorrow? To me it’s a deep sucking grief that feels endless, not something that overwhelms you and moves on, but moves in, settles, for the duration.

So why? Why do I feel something so acutely that apparently other people manage to live with without too much fuss? It took me a long while to realise that I am not a sap. I’m not pathetic, feeble, attention-seeking. A lot of people agree that the things I describe here are upsetting, but I have come to realise they don’t necessarily feel it the same. I’ve finally accepted that I’m a highly sensitive person (HSP); I am sensitive to minute stimuli and I process information differently. Not so much differently, as deeply, very deeply. My nervous system is wired differently. Not only do I react to physical stimuli but I’m also sensitive to strong emotional reactions, hypersensitive to social and emotional cues and I have more active mirror neutrons which makes me feel a feel empathy and understanding of people. I pick up on things that others miss and I’m aware of peoples emotions, sometimes even when they are not, which means I’m reacting to something unspoken, or even that the perpetrator themselves may not even be conscious of. Talk about confusing. HSPs are known to be deeply connected to their animals due to their heightened compassion. So on the one hand this is all good, and it makes me an excellent psychic, communicator and coach. But it can also make life miserable.

When I first had counselling after my breakdown the counsellor suggested I read a book about Highly Sensitive People. This on the back of telling me my mother likely had Borderline Personality Disorder, and that I had been emotionally abused my entire life. It was a lot to take in (and I had reacted badly to the latter, defensive, furious that she should suggest such a thing). I know now all the above is true but it took a while to process it, looking back I feel naive and a bit of a simpleton that it took me 50 years to see what was happening.

There is lots of literature on psychopaths targeting HSPs as victims in “romantic” relationships but not so much on the implications of psychopath parents. Are HSPs created by psychopathic or emotionally immature parents? Was I born like this, or did I develop my sensitivity as a defence to a highly unpredictable childhood, where second guessing my mother’s mood and reactions was paramount to my safety?

Well some say you are born HSP. Then again, some say not. Depends who you ask.  Your environment, as well as your personality trait, are also factors. Some also say that up to 20% of the population is HSP but I would argue with that – if that were so there would be a lot more awareness of it and understanding of it. So back to the book. It actually resonated a lot with me, but when it started asking me to trawl through childhood trauma, asking me to access and acknowledge my inner child, I checked out completely. This was way beyond my comfort zone. I semi-identified with the descriptions but literally switched off once it got a bit woo woo and touchy feely. Ironic given where I’ve end up isn’t it.

So what have I learned years on? Even on finally understanding that I was an HSP I still didn’t quite get what a big deal it is. What I mean by that I shall try to describe. Sensitivity is another “thing” being thrown around a lot right now. Like being neuro-atypical. Like being a victim of a narcissist. Everybody knows so much about everything; everybody is a amateur expert. It’s a good thing, but the knowledge is such a thinly stretched film, people think they comprehend something they really don’t understand but they use the labels indiscriminately, which then dilutes their meaning, reduces the impact. Yes, everyone is sensitive to this that and the other, but what I have learned through my own experience, once I started to question it, and reinforced by the pets of my clients who are also HSP, and is that what we HSPs experience IS SIGNIFICANTLY different to what others experience and that we should not discount, disregard or belittle it.

One fascinating thing about Soul Level Animal Communication, and Soul Level Intuitive Coaching is that every session you have is a lesson for both facilitator and client. Clients with eerily similar issues to mine show up. Even to the day  – something that becomes an issue today will suddenly show up in a reading later on. “I didn’t even know I needed to hear that”, will often be my response to my guides or an animal. There are often themes, and these will form even as I talk to my colleagues about what’s going on with me. We’re all helping each other along the path. You don’t need to have all the answers, you only need to be one step ahead to be a guide. The animals and guides have been sending me clients who don’t know they are sensitive, clients who’ve been battling away, trying to block out their sensitivity in an effort to “get on” with life.

Even knowing I was supposedly a “sensitive person”, only after 3 years of being in Danielle’s community with other sensitive people, with animal communicators and psychics, have I realised just how different it makes me. Even compared to other sensitive people. And what the animals have been telling me to share with their (unknowingly) sensitive owners who come to me for readings, is to acknowledge that it IS a BIG deal. Because “normal” people just don’t understand, can’t understand, the depth of feeling and how it affects you – not because they don’t want to, but it’s like explaining colour to a blind person – the references are just not available to them. They lack the social imagination to understand how it affects you. Like trying to understand something in a foreign language, it’s not for want of trying, you just don’t get it. Other people think what they experience is similar, but I’m here to tell you it’s not, and it’s not just a matter of degree. The animals aren’t saying this to demonise “normal” people, but rather to encourage their sensitive owners to realise that they have to accept and embrace their sensitivity, protect themselves where they can and treat themselves with compassion when they can’t.

When I first heard Eckhart Tolle talking about turning other cheek, I was really confused, angry. How could I? What sort of person am I if I am not part of the solution? I had been taught that that squarely put me in the vicinity of the problem. That’s another clever little mantra my Mum unwittingly instilled in me. If you’re not part of the solution you’re part of the problem. How better to get an obedient hard working child who doesn’t need any discipline or supervision, never mind encouragement, than to let them believe that if they aren’t actively doing everything in the word that needs to be done, obeying every rule that exists, proactively anticipating problems and fixing them before they can arise, they are going to hell in a handbag? I could sort of grasp the value of not reacting to hurt, with regards to people, learning to forgive and all that,  but when Eckhart Tolle talks about not pushing against problems (animal welfare was my immediate focus), I was stuck. I wanted to believe him, up till that point everything I had learned in this new world felt so right, so pure, so true, but this? I just couldn’t parse it. And as a result, my sensitivity stepped up – the Universe with gladly help you on your way. Your soul will push you into a corner one way or another until you are forced to listen.

Sensitivity is a beautiful gift, but it can be a raw and cruel journey until you learn to look away. Turning the other cheek has taken me years to reconcile. Years to understand it, and more years to feel OK about living it. I’ve had to learn it’s not my place to fix every hurt. I can’t carry the burden of sorrow for the whole world. I am not the person to join the RSPCA or confront animal cruelty or campaign for animal rights. I simply can’t. I tried so hard to be that person but it hurts too much and for people who roll their eyes I just have to remember they don’t know what I feel. They think they do, but they don’t, because if they did, they wouldn’t need me to explain. Forgive them, they know not what they do.

Being a HSP can be a tiresome life. HSPs are often also perfectionists as a way to control feelings of anxiety and fear, and to avoid letting others down. Since we’re so empathic, letting others down feels like the end of the world. If like me, and the people I attract to my work, you feel the burden of responsibility of the all of the world, life is tiring. If you’re sensitive on top of that, it can be excruciating, because you’re carrying all that additional emotion burden too.

Most spiritual traditions, in some flavour or another, teach us not to push against things, but that’s the hardest thing for people to grasp. So what is our place in the world? If pushing against, or trying to fix things, is not our responsibility, what is our role? Law of Attraction tells you to stand your own light. Holding your own alignment is your gift to the world. But what does that mean in practical terms? Well essentially it means being happy, but since we’re human, and until we reach enlightenment, we still need to strive to feel some purpose. So to satisfy my own human-ness, what is my role? I’ve been giving this a lot of thought over the last few months of introspection and come to realise, that, amongst other things, it’s to help ease the suffering of other HSPs by telling them who they are.  Telling them that what they experience is different and not to expect other people to understand it. Once they accept that, they can start to put down some of their burden.

I’m also here to share the unpopular message that it’s OK NOT to fix everything, that it’s OK NOT do things if they make you unhappy, irrespective of what people tell you. That being a “good person” is irrelevant. It’s a trap. That doing ”good things” is a complete rabbit hole. We’re programmed from birth to obey and conform and yet, as Abraham Hicks points out, “being selfish” is only tossed about when you aren’t doing what someone else wants you to do. You can only let people down if they’ve decided that you should be doing something a certain way. Doing “honourable things” are more often or not wrapped up in what someone else expects or wants you do do.

It’s nice to be nice of course, and most of us get a lot of joy helping people, but it’s only joyful if it comes from the heart, not from obligation or duty or fear of judgement.

I’m here to let you know that being happy is the only obligation you have to anyone. And if you’re an HSP, if you allow yourself to turn the other cheek towards things that upset you, you’re a step closer to happiness.

 

[Ref] I found this excellent website to help me explain things: Sensitive Refuge