Safety is on the Inside

I’ve loved all of RuPaul’s Drag Race, firstly the UK series, and then the US seasons going back 14 years. It took a bit to get used to the US seasons, a culture shock if you like, but fascinating watching the changes over 14 years, the beginning of surgery procedures – lips, cheekbones and asses and the use of breast plates and seeing how things have changed over the years. It’s fascinating to notice how my attitude towards these queens as individuals changes as the season progresses. Obviously it’s fashioned in such a way that builds your bias towards certain competitors, as the program makers censor and manipulate what you see, but all the same, without fail as they give each queen more exposure to open up, I find myself falling in love with them. Not all of them, there are some villains I never get fond of and some I actively despise, but off the top of my head I can only think of Willam. I would happily see Willam fall down a flight of stairs, though he would be an interesting subject to pick apart. Narcissist? Not sure. Maybe just delusional. I hate it when people always classify obnoxious behaviour as “insecure” but maybe it is just that. But there is a tiny piece of me that thinks if I’d seen all of Willam and not just what they showed, that maybe he’s a really funny deadpan comic, and that his bitching was actually very tongue in cheek, but we never got to see quite enough of that to warm to him.

I love RuPaul because of the queens, their interactions, their vulnerability and their humour. Watching the relationships grow and feeling more and more affection for them, as well as the fascination and awe in their talents and artistry, is real feel-good viewing. RuPaul’s messages, whilst I don’t agree with all of them,  most of them are about just being who you are, shining your light in the world, never apologising for who you are and being confident in your own skin. The only message I take issue with it the reenforcement that we have to WORK REALLY HARD to succeed, which isn’t unique to RuPaul but is a sensitive one for me as it’s one of my major trigger points. Having had this reenforced all my life to my detriment I now choose to believe that we are entitled to live a wonderful stress free life, where the concept of “hard work” is replaced with passion, joy, a vocation you are compelled to do. But it’s a struggle to overcome these longstanding beliefs. However following a passion is what these girls are doing. They wouldn’t stop just because the cameras weren’t there, so the “hard work” aspect is just our human-ness trying to justify our existence. It seems none of us feel entitled to live our lives, however much we enjoy what we’re doing, without complaining of how hard we work in order to justify our worthiness.

I’m re-watching RuPaul as I’ve run out of new seasons, and it’s amazing all over again, but even I like a bit of variety. I found Vera and started watching that although suddenly watching adverts again on ITV (television for the lowest common denominator according to Gary, yes, that’s me!) felt like a violation and then a special offer on BritBox fell into my lap so obviously the Universe wants me to watch Vera. For those who haven’t had the pleasure, Vera is a curmudgeonly detective who lives alone in the wilds of Northumberland. After the glitz and glamour of RuPaul this is quite a change.

Vera. Dark, gloomy, wet North Eastern English skies. Moody windswept moors and wilderness as far as the eye can see, the occasional quaint rural town but mostly huge, largely run-down farms, deserted and decaying, tumble-down cottages, with open fires and Agas. The occasional incredible old house fully restored, but most of the characters live in almost medieval conditions, old battered furniture, paint chipped surfaces, all bring about an attitude of a hardy, stoic rural population, hard-working (that word again) but impoverished, just getting on with it. Down to earth and practical. Completely the opposite of Drag. The scenery is, to me, jaw-dropping. The tumbledown, unaltered cottages with old fashioned kitchens made of wood and wood burners, deep ceramic sinks, battered wooden furniture and threadbare carpets, is EXACTLY my dream house. When we bought our first house, all I wanted was to be able to walk all around my little house without bumping into another one. Having grown up in Kenya and having never lived in a flat or maisonette I had no idea that these were criteria firmly defined by disposable income, so that all came as a bit of a shock. My first house was indeed a little country cottage on a farm but I had to compromise on neighbours as it was a little terrace of 3. My ideal home was actually our last one, my dream country cottage, where I thought I would end my days, but the Universe (or rather Twiggy the cat) had other plans. 

When we drive through rural countryside I am always on the look-out for my ideal home. Gary points at every roofless, decaying stone ruin and declares that that’s my dream home. Gary’s is floor to ceiling windows, blond wood and stainless steel surfaces, as opposed to my battered and rustic charm, but we both fell in love with Watergate Cottage. As soon as I saw it I was in love with it. As we made our way around the tangle of garden I was besotted. As we entered the cottage I saw immediately it was quirky and unique and something inside me shut down. I knew I loved it. I loved it so much I thought my heart would burst, but I knew Gary would hate it and I couldn’t bear the disappointment, so I wandered around the crooked cottage in a daze, trying not to take anything in. When we got back to the car, I sat numbly and we sat in silence for a few minutes. “I love it”, Gary whispered. I looked at him in astonishment. I hadn’t even looked at it as I was so sure he’d hate it. Just goes to show….

Vera makes me feels safe. Despite the murdering and robbery, I feel safe in a cocoon of simple, rural life. Of windswept, unforgiving countryside. Of solid stone walls and slate roofs. Of Vera herself. A middle-aged woman, choosing to live on her own in a rickety old cottage that hasn’t been decorated since the 40s or 50s. With no neighbours, as far as the eye can see. She also drives a battered old Land Rover Defender 90, the coolest vehicle on the planet. I even owned one briefly, until about a year ago when even I couldn’t justify the £12 grand estimate to repair. I actually cried when I had to give her up. Esther. I cried for days. Never really given much of a toss about vehicles, but losing Esther broke my heart. I loved every second of driving Esther, high about the rest of the world, impenetrable, unstoppable, and very, very safe (do you see the theme here?).

The house we live in today is all windows, perched precariously on the side of a hill with amazing 180 degree views of the Forth Valley. The view is simply spectacular. It’s not what I would consider “my sort of house”, although if you take each point individually of what I asked for (a view from the kitchen sink, lots of space, a balcony) it delivers everything I wanted, just not in the form I expected. Which also goes to show that the Universe knows what you want even if you can’t articulate it! However in high winds this house shakes and rocks, the windows flex and whistle constantly. It feels like the front of the house could just be ripped off in the wind, so exposed are we here. In Watergate Cottage, whilst Gary joked about the Money Pit (1986 movie about renovating a house, not for the faint hearted), I never worried about anything. The cottage had stood for over 200 years, I didn’t feel that anything much could hurt it. Water running down a stone wall isn’t as ominous as water soaking through plaster board, sagging and collapsing: you know where you stand in a stone built house. When the wind whistled around the cottage, it was just annoying, but I never felt unsafe.

If you’ve spotted the theme you’ll notice it’s all about me feeling safe. If I needed any prompting about Law of Attraction, I’ve certainly got it the last couple of weeks. It’s always the same. I’m chundering along, feeling mostly OK and occasionally blown away by the stuff I’m learning, my connection with animals and my connection with my guides, and them poof! Out of nowhere it all seems to go Pete Tong. I’ve never thought of myself as unstable, now I’m not so sure. Now that I no longer beat myself into shape and blindly carry on, now that I no longer push through I realise that I spend a lot of time unsure, unsafe, anxious, not always really knowing why. That’s the trouble with slowing down in order to heal, you suddenly start to feel things. You may wonder why you bothered, thinking that your previous existence seemed, well, less troubled. You’d be wrong of course, it’s just when you’ve spent so long pushing down your emotions, pushing through your pain and ignoring your discomfort, you almost get used to it. But at some point your body or mind or both will cave in but a lot of people survive a lot of years putting up with unhappiness and not even appreciating that there is a better way to live. 

Working with my guides and learning about Law of Attraction has helped me see how many of my default behaviours (in Soul Level Coaching speak we would call these workarounds) are about feeling unsafe. At the root of wanting to live in Vera-land is not just about being close to nature but about not having neighbours, in the mistaken belief that if I don’t have neighbours they can’t let me down.  Because I can’t control neighbours, and because they live close they potentially have the power to make my life difficult, this makes me feel unsafe as a lot of my childhood was characterised by not feeling safe around the people closest to me. My underlying (unconscious) belief being that people will always let you down, eventually. My solution is to have no neighbours. No people at all. However, Law of Attraction has made me see that as long as I feel unsafe, there will always be things that make me feel unsafe. If I moved into the woods and lived in a cave, no human life for miles, it would be a bear. A spider. A murderous toad. Or even just my own crazy mind. Feeling unsafe is nothing to do with my surroundings. Feeling unsafe is my own personal negative belief that will follow me everywhere until I address it. Happily I am addressing it with the Soul Level Intuitive Coaching®, and when I’m done I may still chose to live in the middle of nowhere, but it won’t be because I feel unsafe.

The wonderful truth is that we CAN shift our underlying beliefs. It’s not easy but it can be done and the rewards are worth it.

If you want to shift your deep-rooted negative beliefs, Soul Level Intuitive Coaching®  works with your guides to help you discover your own path of least resistance to soften them. When you’re ready to change your unconscious behaviour, check out my services.